What a week!
Israelis and Palestinians hammered out a peace deal after an all-night negotiating session mediated by former New York Governor Mario Cuomo. “I don’t know why it took us so long to get this done”, said Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “I mean, we’re just talking land here. How hard is it to just divide it in a way that makes everyone happy?” Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas echoed Netanyahu’s words by saying, “Comedy is hard. Making a just peace with the Israelis turned out to be easy.”
The Israeli-Palestinian peace breakthrough apparently came when Israel agreed to give Palestinians the credit for inventing falafel. The Palestinians, in return, said “Without Israel, there would be no hummus”.
Who can forget the moment Tuesday when President Obama, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Benjamin Netanyahu(fresh from his peace-making triumph with the Palestinians),shared the stage at the J Street conference in Washington.
Ahmadinejad apologized for his Holocaust denial comments. “The Holocaust, said the Iranian President, “is the most documented crime in the history of mankind. Denying that it happened is idiotic. I only did it to deflect attention from the lousy economic conditions in our own country.”
Netanyahu said he was sorry for calling Iran “an existential threat”. “What does an existential threat even mean, questioned Netanyahu. “Getting bombed by Jean-Paul Sartre?”
“We are taking war with Iran off the table”, said Obama, “and replacing it with a delicious and nutritious lunch”.
Mitt Romney addressed a Planned Parenthood rally and reaffirmed the support he had given the organization while he was Governor of Massachusetts. “I pledge to uphold a woman’s right to choose”, said Romney, who apologized for previously changing his position in order to pander to the “neanderthals in the Tea Party movement”.
The National Rifle Association reversed its policy, and said it supported the repeal of the Stand Your Ground laws in Florida and 24 other states. “While we support responsible gun ownership, we are opposed to giving armed vigilantes the legal right to hunt down American citizens for any reason”. At the same time, the NRA gave its support for the ban of military-style assault weapons. “Hunters don’t need AK 47’s to hunt deer”, added NRA CEO Wayne Lapierre.
And finally, Fox News Channel and MSNBC announced it would be merging the two channels in the spirit of bipartisanship. Among the new shows will be Rachel and Megan, starring Rachel Maddow and Megan Kelly, and O’Reilly and O’Donnell with Bill O’Reilly and Lawrence O’Donnell. MSNBC president Phil Griffin and FNC’s chairman Roger Ailes issued a joint statement saying, “The problem with our political discourse is that Americans only watch the channel they already agree with. By merging MSNBC and Fox News Channel, they will be forced to hear other points of view as well.”